I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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