I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just gift wrapped bread.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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