No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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