I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
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