This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
