i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize