My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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