my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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