My hair reeks of homosexuality.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
