Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
