I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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