The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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