If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Found your dick twin last night
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
