My Higher Power is John Stamos
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
