I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
God, I missed his penis.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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