So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
