I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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