Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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