Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
