Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
