I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
