At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
