I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
