I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize