Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
