omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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