I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
