god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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