The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
