i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
