dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
