Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
