i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize