I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
only you would photoshop your dick
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
