My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
