Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Boobs speak an international language.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
