Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
