Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
