headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize