I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
