i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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