I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
