i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Randomize
