I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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