Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
