Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize