we're chasing vodka with high fives
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
