I could make wine with my vomit
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
