i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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