You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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