Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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