She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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