I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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