Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
