My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
