I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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