True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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